If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
