Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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