im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
