yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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