I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
