i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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