I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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