Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
