Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
