I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
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i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
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I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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