I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
