worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
