Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I got her a Nickelback box set.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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