I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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