Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
