Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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