Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
