i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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