I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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