she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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