fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
