I'm eating all of the evidence.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
