Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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