my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
