there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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