Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
