tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
