You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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