if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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