There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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