I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
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