We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
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We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
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If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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