My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
