Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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