I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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