If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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