Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
