Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
