My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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