So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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