I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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