Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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