Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
