I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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