Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just high enough for therapy.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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