i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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