Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
