I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
