I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
