Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
