This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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