I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
