and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
