idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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