I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
