Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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