I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
